Things That Noyes Would Buy

So, while waiting for an extra hour and a half on the plane in Dallas, I was able to peruse the latest Skymall magazine. Skymall is, of course, Swedish for “shit you will never need.” I came across a plethora of bountiful booty that no one could possibly ever need. So, here is my list of things that Noyes would buy:

6. The Marshmallow Shooter (completely useless, but with a dirty description)

This clever pump-action device shoots sweet, edible miniature…babies?

5. The Remote Controlled 100 Foot Water Cannon

4. Solid Wood Garden Bridge

3. High Reach Microfiber Cleaning System (helping midgets reach high things)

2. Branding Iron (let your girlfriend know who she belongs to – I’m sorry, to whom she belongs)

1. The Slanket (I can’t believe no one’s thought of this before!)