Shopping For The Holidays

If you have a girl in your life, you probably don’t have any of these (balls are not on that list, but we know she has those in a jar on her nightstand). If you don’t have a girl in your life, one of these is probably the reason. If you’re awesome, you have sluts in your life, and you still have everything on the first list, and these hos are usually too drunk to notice everything on the second list. Either way, the holiday season is coming up (unless you’re Jewish because you guys have holidays whenever you feel like it) and I have some recommendations to help you get through that whole awkward shopping thing.

If you have a special lady in your life, odds are she’s one of those girls who likes the finer things in life: scented candles in every room, lace on the curtains, “tasteful” magazines in the bathroom, pearls in her vibrator, and specialty condiments (because Hunt’s is for cunts). If so, then Beaverton’s Beaver Mustard is right up her alley. Imagine the look on her face when she gets to share her Beaver Mustard with all her friends! There are even more than 30 flavors to suit your needs: Cranberry Mustard for that time of the month, American Picnic Mustard for when you want to spread it outside, Whipped Beaver for when you’re feel a little whipped by her beaver, and Seafood.

If you’re going to spending this holiday season alone, it’s probably time to make some changes in your life. First thing’s first: get more smart. There’s a map in Wellington…a map where America’s Wang has balls (not sure what kind of balls those are, but hopefully they are not reflective of the artist). Also on this map is an incredible town named Medicine Hat. Of course, a town like Medicine Hat has a college: Medicine Hat College. So, why should you choose Medicine Hat College to turn your life around? Well, their Future Students page just about says it all:

If you’re one of those guys looking for a slut, then the invisible homeless man should be at the top of your list. Just set this guy up outside the bar or in front of your apartment and it’s a sure-fire way to seal the deal. “Oh no! Is that an invisible homeless man?!?” she’ll say is slurred words. “Why yes it is. You better come home with me – invisible homeless men can’t come inside my apartment.”

If you’re in a sorta relationship with a girl who would otherwise be a slut except for the fact that she’s a repeat offender (and still agrees to stay over even after your roommates interrupt in various stages of undress or singlets), then this is the gift for her. Trust me, there’s a good chance you’re having one of those “hotdog in a hallway” situations, so giving her the world’s biggest cat might just make her feel better about herself.

And don’t forget, my birthday is coming up…so while you’re out shopping, I’m registered here.