Gettin’ pumped for 2010 – Part 3

What really gets me pumped about the new year is all those resolutions I get to make:

1. In 2010, I won’t blame it on the alcohol (because all cats feel the same in the dark)
2. In 2010, I will only throw up in the designated areas: my bed, your car, her closet, our house east
3. In 2010, I won’t let anorexia stop me from enjoying a good meal (refer to Resolution #2)
4. In 2010, I will spend more time with the homeless (instead of running away from that guy jackin’ off on the park bench, I will walk by casually)
5. In 2010, I will give back to the community (not that Obama really gives me a choice anyways)
6. In 2010, I will have my roommates spayed or neutered (just like Bob Barker always wanted)
7. In 2010, I will stop taking prescription drugs before bed and start taking them during the day when I can enjoy them (because there are children in Africa who could probably use those…)
8. In 2010, I will walk to keep kids safe (because someone’s gotta do it)
9. In 2010, I will legally be able to pick up ’92 babies in the state of Massachusetts (1992 babies, not 92 babies)
10. In 2010, I will only gamble when there are fun horses involved
11. In 2010, I will Rethink Church (“What if church wasn’t just a building?” Because God is also on Twitter and Facebook and Youtube)
12. In 2010, I will support healthcare reform by giving girls Plan B One-Step (“the only emergency contraceptive that is just one pill”)
13. In 2010, I will only make abortion jokes when the mood needs to be lightened (like in the lobby of Planned Parenthood)
14. In 2010, I will spend more time studying for my STD tests so I can go from Hepatitis C to Hepatitis A
15. In 2010, I will be more compassionate towards the Asians (because I sometimes forget that it really is difficult to walk and drive with only half your eyes)
16. In 2010, I will learn that there is nothing funny about menstruation, period.
17. In 2010, I will stimulate the economy by charging less for sex
18. In 2010, I will finally prove that Lady Gaga really does have a penis
19. In 2010, I will invent great things like breast warmers that you can plug into your computer
20. In 2010, I will remember to wear my underwear when I go out, mostly: