Corporate Thuggin'

Ranking Tiger’s Mistresses

Posted by: forever 21
Dec 8, 2009 celebrities, idiots, internet, news, pop culture, sex, she could get it, sports, tv

I was going to give this post a few more days, but with a second porn star now added to the mix, i had to jump on it immediately. Accompanying the second porn star today came reports that Tiger was against using condoms. It sounds ludacris, but makes the story way better and could possibly make Eldrick an honorary member of Corporate Thuggin’ because there are no two things that define us more than networking on the golf course and fucking girls raw dog.

The Rank

1. Rachel Uchitel – she was the original name to be leaked to the public and it’s easy to see why she’s ranked number 1. She’s been linked to Seacrest and Stephen Dorff, yeah the guy from Blade, but I won’t hold it against, wait I definitely want to hold it against her.

2. Cori Rist – her biggest pro is that she is a swimsuit model, her biggest con is that she has a 7 year old son. Either way she’s the best of the rest.

3. Jamie Jungers – she’s a decent looking blonde that kind of looks like a southern sorority whore, which I’m definitely into, but she has admitted that Tiger paid for her to have liposuction on her thighs. I though Tiger was part black, and he wants his women to have lipo, there’s some contradiction there.

4. Jamie Grubbs – she has been featured on a program that is a true achievement in American television, Tool Academy. She also supplied the world with the voicemail of Tiger sounding like he’s going to piss himself. Her photos however range from “I’d def stick it in,” to “wow, I’d need a few PBRs,” so she’s at number 4 due to this inconsistency.

5. Kalika Moquin – she definitely has the dumbest name, but it kind of sounds like it could be some kind of alcoholic drink so I’ll give it to her. For this reason and what appear to be some saggy ass melons, she comes in at number 5.

6. Joslyn James – She is the highest ranked porn star on my list, and the reason behind this is that she got punded way harder in her movies than Ms. Sampson

7. Holly Sampson – the elder stateswhore at age 36, she has acted in films that both required and did not require her to load shot on her face. For her role as Kevin Arnold’s love interest in Wonder Years, I put her at number 7.

8. Unidentified Mistress 1 – reportedly is a “sex-addicted cougar,” Tiger would have called her the “19th hole”

9. Unidentified Mistress 2 – a sexy British TV host who was single when with Tiger, but it now married. Ihope it’s that bitch Alexa Chung from MTV, cause she’s annoying as fuck, but could definitely still get it.

10. Unidentified Mistress 3 – a former cocktail waitress from Orlando who has hired a lawyer and has yet to reveal herself – what a pussy.

11. Mindy Lawton – she kind of looks like she walked into a lot of walls over the course of her life, but I included her on the list for one reason. She works at Perkins and could hook me up with some grilled cheese sandwiches on the house.

Yeah he fucked a girl that worked at Perkins and looks like shit, when he had this at home more than willing to have his kids.

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