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White Done Right

Posted by cracker with cheese on January 25, 2010

For those of you who may have missed it last week, a new professional basketball league has been proposed that would be labeled as “It’s all white, U.S. citizens [who were born] white.”  Don ‘Moose’ Lewis, an Atlanta boxing and wrestling promoter said this All-American Basketball Alliance will start in several southern cities in June.  Lewis makes the point that this is not racist, with his comment: “How are the Soul Train awards not racist? It’s not racist it’s just a niche, its entertainment.”

Personally, I think the way Lewis is going at it (middle, white America), will just turn into a league filled with white guys who think they can play, like this:

If you are going to start this league you have to do it right and this is how:

1.  White guys in the U.S. are not at the level to were they can fill a league yet, we need to mix in an International conference.

2.  Don’t limit locations to just the South, by using current NBA markets you can tap into their niche fans.

3. Because no one will think these teams can be any good you need to have them end a season with a playoff to find a league champion, with the winner playing two exhibition games.  The first being against black guys who act white (team Urkels) and finally black guys who put fear in the eye of white people (team Black Power).

With these three rules you can organize the league, draft current NBA players, and create the following teams:

CONFERENCE AMERICA:

Boston White Hopes – guys who you want to succeed purely because they are white

Jose Jaun Barea – G
Chase Budinger – G
Brian Scalabrine – F
Kevin Love – F
David Lee – C
Brook Lopez – C

Indiana Minkus – guys who look like nerds that you could beat in your men’s league

Luke Ridnour – G
Coby Karl – G
Brian Cardinal – F
Steve Novak – F
Joel Przybilla –C
Jeff Foster – C

Phoenix Kappa Tappa Kega – guys who you would consider your best frat bro

Kirk Hinrich – G
Kyle Korver – G
Jason Kapono – F
Wally Szczerbiak – F
Troy Murphy – F
Luke Walton – F

Charlotte Neverlands – guys who wish they were still getting after it in the freshmen dorms

Travis Diener – G
J.J. Redick – G
Adam Morrison – F
Mike Dunleavy – F
Tyler Hansbrough – F
Steve Blake – G

Orlando Slim Shadys – guys who live outside their skin color

Mike Bibby – G
Jason Williams – G
Robert Swift – F
Chris Anderson – F
Brad Miller – C
Scot Pollard – C

Milwaukee Beast Ice – guys who might have been born through the breeding of cousins

Mike Miller – G
Chris Quinn – G
B.J. Mullens – F
Nick Collison – F
Chris Kaman – C
Joe Alexander – F

CONFERENCE WORLD:

Dallas Dragos – guys who would have played international villains in ’80s movies

Steve Nash – G
Marco Belinelli – G (included solely because he looks like Rocky Balboa)
Andrei Kirilenko – F
Dirk Nowitzki – F
Andris Biedrins – C
Jonas Jerebko – F

Portland Sabonis – guys who exude the legendary essence that is Arvydas Sabonis

Goran Dragic – G
Beno Udrih – G
Sasha Pavlovic – F
Oleksiy Pecherov – F
Zydrunas Ilgauskas – C
Darko Milicic – C

Toronto Grease – guys who look like creeps, but could be slammin’ your girl as we speak

Tony Parker – G
Sasha Vujacic – G
Pau Gasol – F
Luis Scola – F
Marc Gasol – C
Nenad Krstic – C

New York Carbombs mixture of players with Serbian, Turkish, Iranian and Greek backgrounds; let the fun begin

Marko Jaric – G
Peja Stojakovic – G
Hedo Turkoglu – F
Mehmet Okur – F
Hamed Haddadi – C
Kasta Koufos – C

Exhibition Teams:

San Antonio Urkels – guys that are black but who act white

Derek Fisher – G
Shane Battier – G
Grant Hill – F
Antawn Jamison – F
Tim Duncan – C
Chris Duhon – G

Denver Black Power – guys that are black and put fear in your eyes

Allen Iverson – G
Delonte West – G
Ron Artest – F
Kenyon Martin – F
Rasheed Wallace – C
DeShawn Stevenson – G

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