Martha Stewart Is Racist

I’ve heard that when people get older, they start to lose their filter, which for a lot of people means that the racist comments start to flow more openly. Take, for example, my grampa. When my brother was flipping through his pictures from a recent trip to the zoo, he stopped on a photo of a gorilla and my grampa shouts from the back of the room “Who’s that? Obama?”  So I probably shouldn’t be so surprised that Martha Stewart, who recently turned a very sexy 70, has a series of photo albums with some pretty racist undertones.

First up is her gallery of “Your Best Halloween Costumes.” Everything starts out all cute (Wall-E and a Whale), creative (Chrysler Building and a Fighter Pilot, although that one could be a little terroristy), and generally accurate (fat girl dressed like a Vending Machine). But then things take a turn for the worse when she tries to incorporate some diversity into the album.

How do you dress the only black girls in your album? Like Mrs. Butterworth’s and a Waffle, of course. And how do you dress the Asian child? Not as sushi, but as a car – now that’s just ironic.

Her next album takes it up a notch: Baby Costumes. Also known as: How to Make Your Baby Look Like A Douchbag While They’re Too Young To Do Anything About It. The first few are cute: Spring Chicken, Little Lambs, Down Syndrome Owl, but what the fuck is going on in these pictures? Mincemeat pie is disgusting, and there’s no way I would eat that turkey – too much fat.

To be fair, Martha isn’t entirely racist, and she does try to incorporate other cultures into her lists. For example, her Thanksgiving Turkey Recipes list has a lot of standard turkey fare (Bacon-Roasted Turkey? Don’t mind if I do), but she was clearly thinking of the African American community with her Deep Fried Turkey. Is that a slave hand holding the pot? I think so… And why is there a rainbow cake mixed in with her St. Patrick’s Day recipes? Because fairies and leprechauns come from the same genus. Now you know.

Let’s be serious. If I was in the mood for some deep fried turkey, I’d do what the rest of the Dorchester community does and go to The Hen House for some chicken and waffles.

Oh, if you’re still wondering why I think Martha Stewart is a GILF, there’s this: