Lisa Glide, 35, a drama teacher at Old Bridge High School in the dirty Jers, pled guilty in 2009 to having sex with one of her 17-year old students. Her defense? “He pursued.” Shit, now I find out 8 years out high school that thats all it takes, FML.

Sheral Smith

This shit is ridiculous. Sheral Smith, 37, was sentenced to 7 years after having sex with a 14-year old student of the private high school at which she taught. So what’s crazy about that? First, that Smith wasn’t even one of the kid’s teachers — so apparently she just picked some random ass 14-year old off the recess field. What is even more crazy is her ballsyness in fucking him AT HIS HOUSE:

“We were able to determine at least four different times she had sexual intercourse with the child – three at her residence, one of those occurring at the victim’s residence,” Madison-Rankin District Attorney Michael Guest

Amber Jennings

In 2004, This 30-year old Massachusetts high school teacher thought it would be a good idea to send nekkid pics of herself to one of her 16-year old students under the screen name Redsox6606whore. What I don’t get is why she made a fake screen name to send the pics. Like, once her student got them, clearly she could be identified — so why not Amber.Jennings or whatever. Or maybe her main screen name was Redsox6606whore. I wouldn’t be that surprised about that.

Mary Kay Letourneau

Just simply sleeping with any female teacher doesn’t cut it these days fellas. In fact, you should keep roughly the same standards for looks as you would with people your own age. In 1997, Mary Kay Letourneau was arrested for having sex with 12 year old Vili Fualaau when he was in… wait for it… second grade.

Because he was probably still making machine gun sounds when he played with his GI Joes and eating lunchables, I’m gonna give this guy a pass for his quality control failure. However, his decision to marry her after she was released from her 7 1/2 year sentence still kind of boggles my mind.

Deborah Lafave

Jim: Hey, Bill, wanna go to the store? I just got my allowance and need to buy some stuff.
Bill: Sorry man, I’m only 15 and can’t drive without an adult. Got any ideas?

Jim: Hmm, maybe I can ask my 8th grade teacher
Bill: Wait, what? Ask your teacher to ride along??

Jim: Yeah, she’s pretty cool
Bill: Umm…

Jim: Yeah, she’ll come, but I have to sit in the back apparently…
Bill: Okay, this is pretty weird, but whatever I’ll grab the car

10 minutes later

Bill: Hey, what store do you want to go to?
Bill: … Jim
Bill: … Jim?
Deborah: Ohh do it there little Jimmy!

This was a little snippet from the independent amateur porn script I’m writing about the Deborah Lefave incident, called “Hot For Teacher 2.0: D in the B” and this is kind of how I envision the 14-year old unnamed victim pimp slaying his 23-year old newly-wed teacher Deborah Lefave in the backseat of a car while his 15-year old cousin drove.

I can’t tell you the shit I would do to have taken this kids place. This man (and, by the way, he became a man as soon as this went down, regardless of the fact that he was 14), got retardedly lucky. On one hand, he got to bang one of the hottest teachers I’ve seen in a while (hands down one of the hottest ones who wasn’t prude and was DTF). No doubt this came with crazy praise and a line of girls his age trying to go solo on the mic. And on the other, you know he got all sorts of breaks because of it. Tired of 4th period math class? Just say I’m traumatized and having relapses, boom, home in time to JO wit the computer in the living room before the parents come home.

Honestly, I have like 5 or 6 more of these that I planned on doing but Ima go fap to these Deborah Lafave pictures. I’ll post the rest as a follow up sometime later I guess.

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this one’s kind of familiar

Best unintentional-intentional comedy that has no business trying to be funny:

Best showing of why Americans think Pittsburgh sucks:

Only commercial that got me to LOL, thanks Lamar:

Commercial that would have been funny if it wasn’t leaked before it aired [FYI - all the Doritos commercials sucked, and when someone at work reminded me that they were submitted to the company by ordinary people it makes me wonder why a they would waste $2.5 million on a spot]:

Most original idea that came from last year’s #1 summer comedy movie:

Best use of taking a popular TV show concept from a non-CBS station:

Worst use of tax money:

Bud Light was the, per usual, best brander this year, they also had the best rap artist joke from 2008:

Finally, the commercial you should watch about 100 times comes from Audi.  It gets my M. Night Shyamalan award.  To start, I thought it was a take on what America would be about if Al Gore was Prez.  Also, for the first 40 seconds it will have you thinking it is a joke on white-collar crime, not to be confused with White-Collar Crime.  During this time you may also think it is a joke about white people actually being capable of committing crime.   Finally you will see it is about being a hippie:

… I also like this commercial because I play a small part in the financing of it

- An 8 year old Ohio boy was boozing on New Years Day at his moms get together.  To quote his father Michael Truewell “when he stumbled through the door, my girlfriend had to catch him,” makes sense as his son was so drunk he “needed his 15-year-old brother to help him cross the street to go home.”

- In Wisconsin, a mother (Sarah Shay) is accused of providing champagne and Mike’s Hard Lemonade at her 12 year old’s birthday party.  It was a swimming / overnight party at a West Bend hotel for the daughter and nine friends.

Nothing beats a girl having to use both hands.  Also, expect me to be in jail or burning in hell by 2011:

Part I Part II Part III Part IV

Dearest One Lil Biznas Planz,

Greetings to you in the mighty name of God. I wish to inform you that i survied my surgical operation, and found out that you couldn’t recieve my donation fund, because you were unable to fellow the instructions of the  Security Company for them to transfer the fund to you.  But all the same, i came to realise that it wats due to your little faith in God that made you to miss this great divine opportunity.So because of your incapabilities towards recieving my donation fund, i decided to look for another child of God who can do it more better.

And now I’m happy to inform you about my success in getting those funds transferred with the assistance of a God fearing person from Indian.Presently now i’m in Indian for proper medical treatment and also setting up projects for the lessprivilage one’s and orphanage homes, as well as the widows of my type.

Meanwhile, i didn’t forget your past efforts and attempts to assist me in transferring those funds  despite that it failed us some how that is why i decided to compensate you. Now contact my Lawyer in Abidjan, Cote D’ivoire, His contacts are

BARR. JOHNSON B. COULIBALY
Coulibaly Law & Solicitor Chambers
14 Floor Flat 9, Belviour Castle Avenue 6
Rue 18 Abidjan Cote D’ Ivoire West Africa.
E-mail:barr.jcoulibaly@rocketmail.com
Tel:+225- 05501893

Ask him to send to you a Cheque worth of $85,000 US Dollars which i have signed in your favor and kept it with him for your compensation for all the past efforts and attempts to assist me in this matter.

I appreciated your efforts at that time very much, so feel free to get in touched with BARR. JOHNSON B. COULIBALY and instruct him where to send the Cheque bearing your name as the beneficiary of the total sum of $85,000 u.s dollars accredited in it.

Please do let me know immediately you have received it, so that we can share the joy and also thank God for his mercy,after all the sufferness at that time. in the moment, I am very busy here because of my medical treatments of mysickness, remember that I have forwarded every instruction to the Lawyer on your behalf to recieve the Cheque, so feel free to get in touch with BARR. JOHNSON B. COULIBALY immediately, he will send the Cheque to you without any delay.

Your’s Sincerely  One,
Mrs Muna Habib

My Response:

Muna!

Giiiiiiirrrrrllllllllllll Whats going on?!?  I didn’t know if I was going to be hearing from you. I figured you might have been a little pissed since I mayyy have talked shit behind your back to Miss Angela Solomon. How’s that Durka doing? She didn’t follow my instructions either! I have therefore come to the conclusion that the Ivory Coast is full of people who have the collective IQ of a pinecone. Alllll I wanted was a picture of you, or one of your Durkas holding up a sign that says “WE BE CORPORATE THUGGIN.’”

Then and only then after I receive that picture, I will get in touch with your lawyer. Can Mr. Coulibaly take a sweet pic of himself holding up a sign that says “WE BE CORPORATE THUGGIN?” I don’t want anything gay, so make sure he doesn’t send a picture of one of his balls or something like that. I would rather jerk off with sandpaper than have to see a pic of Mr. Coulibaly’s nutbag.

Speaking of jerking off, Im gonna go pound one out while looking at pictures of the black chick from Saved By The Bell.

Peace Nucka!

PS. Send me that FUCKING picture.

Notes:

Holy hell this was a surprise. I seriously thought after the last email “she” would never end up sending anything back. But alas, Muna is one persistent motherfucker. She reallllly wants me to have this check! I wonder how long this will go on for, because if she keeps responding, I am going to keep getting more and more absurd, or until I get this fucking picture. I mean come on, how fucking funny would it be to have someone from a third world country holding up a sign that says “WE BE CORPORATE THUGGIN,” and have the picture on our homepage. I just peed a little picturing a picture like this on our homepage.  Also, she’s in “Indian?” Really? At least try and get the country right.  Oh yeah, and when I think of a fantastic healthcare system with sanitary facilities for a major “Surgical Operations,” I immediately think India. Calcutta General, yeah, sign me up!

PS, White Collar Crime and I are considering trying to call this “lawyer” and recording the conversation. I think it would be totally worth it.