Archive for the ‘freaks’ Category

Dogtooth

Jun 27, 2010 advertisment, freaks, movie, video

I need to get on imdb more often:

Plot Summary:

Three teenagers are confined to an isolated country estate that could very well be on another planet. The trio spend their days listening to endless homemade tapes that teach them a whole new vocabulary. Any word that comes from beyond their family abode is instantly assigned a new meaning. Hence ‘the sea’ refers to a large armchair and ‘zombies’ are little yellow flowers. Having invented a brother whom they claim to have ostracized for his disobedience, the uber-controlling parents terrorize their offspring into submission. The father is the only family member who can leave the manicured lawns of their self-inflicted exile, earning their keep by managing a nearby factory, while the only outsider allowed on the premises is his colleague Christina, who is paid to relieve the son of his male urges. Tired of these dutiful acts of carnality, Christina enlists the elder daughter for some girl-on-girl action, carelessly disturbing the domestic balance. Soon enough, sex has spread throughout the household like fire. Next stop: rebellion.

Tags: , ,

Retired Basketball Relationships

May 6, 2010 celebrities, dumb girls, freaks, idiots, internet, news, nsfw, photo, pop culture, sex, she could get it, sports, tv, uncategorized, video

VH1 may have just taken the cake as the smartest reality TV show provider around.  From the channel that has brought you [fill in the blank] Rehab with Dr. Drew, Hogan Knows Best, Breaking Bonaduce, The Pick-up Artist, Flavor of Love, Rock of Love, I Love Money, Megan Wants a Millionaire, Tool Academy, the list goes on; comes yet another ground breaking show, Basketball Wives.  Judging by the fact that there is no Wikipedia entry for this show, I feel that America is not watching this masterpiece unfold.  Take a look at what you are missing…

Premiering almost five weeks ago, the show is somewhat of a brain child of Shaunie O’Neal, an executive producer and ex-wife of Shaquille O’Neal.  The magnitude of what this show has done for me is a bit overwhelming:

Cast Lineup:

Taking a play from my previous basketball post on an all-white basketball league, let’s take a look at how the woman of the show represent a starting lineup and sixth man.  The height and crazy to this lineup is off the charts:

Matt Barnes – SF Gloria Govan – Fiancee

Eric Williams – PF Jennifer Williams – Wife

Antoine Walker – PF Evelyn Lozada – Ex Wife

Dwight Howard – C Royce Reed – Baby Mama

Shaquille O’Neal – C Shaunie O’Neal – Ex Wife

Michael Olowokondi – C Suzie Ketcham – Ex Girlfriend

Giving some more background to this couples, Matt Barnes and Gloria Govan are the only people that appear to have heads on their shoulders. They clearly had no idea what this show was getting themselves into, and it seems landing on his seventh team in a city near the rest of these girls was just bad luck.

So far in the episodes Eric and Jennifer Williams are still married; and with Barnes, Eric is the only other actual basketball player getting air time; but because of his past cheating I don’t expect Eric to be stealing scenes much longer.

Evelyn Lozada spends much of her camera time explaining how she is not a gold digger and is moving on after separating from Antoine Walker (who has made over $100 million but is now bankrupt and playing in Puerto Rico and paying her thousands a month in child support).

BREAKING NEWS: The shimmy shake is trying to make a comeback!

Royce Reed is only named on the show as an past Heat and Magic dancer.  You won’t hear her mention Dwight Howard’s name, she legally can’t as she is banned from “using or publishing (orally, in writing, or otherwise), directly, indirectly or by innuendo, [Dwight's] name, nicknames, image, brand photographs, and/or likeness.“

Shaunie O’Neal, who calls herself the ‘Queen Bee’ of the girls, was served this letter after the first episode; she hasn’t been a major character since that episode.  To add to the drama, Shaq is allegedly putting his dick in Gloria’s sister.

After landing the number one overall bust Michael Olowokondi, Suzie Ketcham is fittingly the bust of this group as well.  This pair has two kids together, I want photographic proof to see how close to an alien these creatures are.

Episodes:

1.  Meeting the girls and Royce drama at a Super Bowl party (see video below).

2.  Evelyn throws herself a 34th birthday party with what is left of Antoine Walker’s money.  Episode introduces the one and only Eric Williams.

3.  Evelyn and Jen get disgusted by the city of Orlando.  Groupie conflict begins.

4.  Eric Williams steals the episode, housing hunting with Jen.  Listen up VH1, you need to start a spin-off show, house shopping with athletes and their wives who are about to get divorced.  Also, fancy restaurant fighting.  Posting this episode while it is still available online…

5. Make sure to watch this Sunday at 10:00pm.  The show is filmed in Miami, so remember there is a 40% chance you will see a Bangbros casting taking place in the background.

Drama:

Either I have very bad skills at finding videos on youtube, or VH1 is very protective of their content.  I can’t find any good clips from the show, this is all I can leave you with:

Season preview:

Introducing Plastic Surgery:

Terrell Owens and Ludacris Super Bowl party video of Royce Reed:

And I couldn’t end this post without showing that, since the start of the show, Evelyn Lozada had some self portraits make their way online:

NSFW IMAGE

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Baby Gaga

Mar 3, 2010 caption contest, celebrities, dumb girls, freaks, idiots, music, pop culture, tv, video

If you need to reach me please leave a message, I am searching the world for whatever country this is…

Tags: , ,

Forever 21’s Best Posts Of The Year

Dec 29, 2009 advertisment, celebrities, college, freaks, idiots, internet, movie, music, news, pop culture, radio, sex, she could get it, tv, video

I haven’t gotten to post in a little bit because I’ve been fucking the shit out of corporate life and making it feel like more of a bitch the Adam James, but I decided that I’d put together a list of my favorite posts from each member of the CT crew.

briefcase and brass knuckles -Next Thursday, Who Wants In? – Following a full-on comment assault of a college newpaper article (which included the definition of a rainbow kiss), this kid was able to pull it together for all the non-losers who don’t read pussy college newspapers and instead turn the CT for their news.

cracker with cheese – Jennifer Aniston – when he wasn’t busy stalking Miley’s little sister, he provided one of the best one-liners ever written on the internet.

Forever 21 – Proof of Undergraduate Thuggin’ – It’s no mystery that I still live like I was in college, but when I got this e-mail from our landlord following graduation, I had proof that I did it right as an undergrad. Also, this landlord dabbles in adjectives like Michael Lohan dabbles in cunt-punching, true innovators.

I brought the table – Somebody Beat Us To Starting a Non-Profit – His latest effort gave us a look into the athletic exploits of some twat from Jersey Shore, but it wasn’t Snooki so I didn’t give a shit. His very first post though was definitely his best work.

invincible period – Things to Jack Off To Series – Yes he is a fag who likes cats, but he did provide us with a series of posts that has us on the first page of google when you search “things to jack off to,” yeah buddy rollin’ like a big shot.

Lil’ Biznas Planz – We Be… Corporate Thuggin! – Although his “Fucking With Terrorists” was as innovative as it gets, I can’t overlook that he gave our site it’s own theme song. A theme song that included lyrics such as these …

We’ll try and fuck your girl, no maybe
we slamming other bitches boxes, daily
yo weekly, monthly and yearly
until  you dumb motherfuckers see clearly
that we’re down with the U S of A
All other countries are GAY

white-collar crime – Too Soon? , Exclusive Michael Jackson Autopsy Photo – He came on strong with two MJ related posts within hours of the King’s death, this provided readers early on with a glimpse of the essence behind white-collar crime. He will shit on your grave and make people laugh about it.

Get ready for 2010, the year Corporate Thuggin’ gets your girlfriend pregnant.

vikki_blows_calendar_big

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Google Jack Off

Dec 22, 2009 freaks, google, internet, video

White-collar crime sent this out in an email:

Google things to jack off to and you will find CT (thanks invincible period), but you will also find this kid.  And this kid has problems:

Tags: , , , ,

note to self – stop using limewire

Dec 6, 2009 caption contest, college, crime, freaks, idiots, internet, news, photo, she could get it, tv, video

I wish I could find a way to post the news video from this link, but this is one of the funniest local news interviews I have ever seen:

http://cbs13.com/local/limewire.child.porn.2.1346842.html

Basic story summary: 20 year old Matt White goes on Limewire to download a Girls Gone Wild video, but he gets child porn, a year later the FBI finds it and now at 22 he could face going to jail for 20 years.

Note to self: Limewire can help you find child porn labeled other things.  And if you still use Limewire in 2009 you need to stop listening to music on your walkman and rewinding your VHS rentals before bringing them back to the video store.

Tags: , , ,

Adam is a girls name?

Nov 23, 2009 celebrities, freaks, music, nsfw, photo, pop culture, video

I feel I need to start by stating that I had no idea who Adam Lambert was.  Judging by this album cover I thought it was a ugly, P!nk wanna be, girl who thinks she can sing:

adam lambert

But this video really helped clear things up for me; Adam is one of those people who makes everyone around him uncomfortable (aka a huge, flaming homo).  I think even Lady Gaga would ask what the fuck is kid doing:

Tags: , ,

Fucking With Terrorists Part I

Nov 16, 2009 crime, freaks, idiots, internet, uncategorized

For our consistent readers, you may recall a post a while back that White Collar Crime made about screwing with those people who spam your email trying to get you to send them money. I remember thinking, that if I ever got one of those emails again, I would fuck with these people too, it looks like fun. Well folks, that is exactly what happened.

I would like you to enjoy the emails that went back and forth between myself and Ms. Muna Habib. I will spreading them out in a 4 part Series you can expect every day this week. I can ensure you everything said in this emails is completely true, and the only thing I changed was my name. Normally this post will require extensive reading, so for our average reader who is used to pussy and fart jokes which require little effort to understand, I figured I would do something to keep their attention. Therefore, I read and recorded the emails in a voice of how I imagine she sounds like…something like Borat.

1.) “Initial Correspondence”

Muna1.mp3
0:00 / 0:00

Assalamn aleikum

I am Mrs. Muna Habib from South Africa, married to Alhaji Habib Nasser who was until his death an exporter of antiquities based in Cote d’ivoire, we were married for eleven years without a child. He died after a brief illness that lasted for only two weeks. Before his death
we were both faithful Muslims.

Since his death I decided not to remarry or get a child outside my
matrimonial home which the holly Quaran is against. When my late
husband was alive he deposited the sum of ($3.5 Million U.S. Dollars)
in one the famous financial institutions here in Abidjan capital of
Cote d’ivoire.

Recently my doctor confirmed to me that I have serious sickness which
is cancer problem. The one that disturbs me most is my stroke
sickness.

Having known my condition I decided to donate this money to an Islamic
institution or individual that will utilize this money the way I am
going to instruct herein. I want a muslim that will use this money for
orphanage homes, hospitals, mosque, schools, and propagation of the
word of the mighty Allah and to endeavour that the house of almighty
Allah is maintained. The holly Quaran made us to understand that
Blessed is the hand that gives.

I took this decision because I don’t have any child that will inherit
this money and my husband relatives are not Muslims and I don’t want
my husband’s effort to be used by unbelievers. I don’t want a
situation whereby this money will be used in an unGodly way. This is
why I am taking this decision.
I am not afraid of death hence I know where I am going. I know that I
am going to be in the bosom of the almighty Allah. As stated in the
holly Quaran (Surah xxxvi Yasin) Thou wariest only him who followeth
the reminder and feareth the beneficent in secret to him bear tiding
of forgives and a rich reward.

I don’t need any telephone communication in this regard because of my
health hence the presence of my husband’s relatives around me always.
I don’t want them to know about this development. With almighty Allah
all things are possible.

As soon as I receive your reply I will direct you on how this vission
will be realised. I want you and the Islamic institution to always
pray for me because the almighty Allah is my shepherd.  My happiness
is that I lived a life of a worthy Muslim. Whoever that wants to serve
the almighty Allah must serve him in spirit and truth.

Please always be prayerful all through your life. Any delay in your
reply will give me room to sourcing another Islamic institution or a
good muslim for this same purpose.
Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I Stated herein.

Your Sister in the Islam.
Mrs. Muna Habib

My Response:

“I Will Act, What Do I have to do?”

Notes:

As soon as I saw “Assalamn aleikum” I knew I was in for a treat. If you read through this or listen, the English is so bad it makes George Bush look like the fuckin’ Poet Laureate. I kept my correspondence brief to see if they would actually respond…

Part II coming soon.

Tags: ,

Girl Loves Miley, Girls Hates Cats, If Miley Doesn’t Go Back Twitter, Girl Will Eat Her Cat

Oct 29, 2009 celebrities, crime, freaks, idiots, internet

The headline pretty much spells this one out for you. Some girl is threatening Miley Cyrus and the world in general that she will kill and eat her cat, Fuzzy, if Miley doesn’t start tweeting gain. This girl’s pretty fucked up, she’s got a cat recipe. This girl is obviously a future serial killer, but I kind of want to see if she goes through with it. I’m guessing she’ll puss out. Prove me wrong bitch.

fuzzy

Tags: , , , , , , ,

A Few Examples Women Getting Owned

Oct 29, 2009 celebrities, crime, freaks, idiots, internet, music, photo, video

You might realize that I said “owned” and not “pwned,” that’s because I’m not a queer. In other news, I’ve been doing my usual trip around the internet to look for some funny stuff and I’ve come across an unusual amount of examples of women getting their shit handed to them. Here are a few examples of what I’m talking about.

1. This is a video of Melissa Joan Hart of Clarissa Explains It All and Sabrina the Teenage Witch fame. She is currently on Dancing with the Stars and is featured in an interview with the great Jimmy Kimmel. Kimmel just destroys her in the clip after she tries to get a little sassy. She just seems like a hot girl from high school who just stays bitchy and gets less hot with every passing year.

2. By now you’ve probably seen the pictures of Taylor Swift with some kid and a swastika. The story behind the picture is probably that this kid is just a douche, but our sweetheart Taylor needs to watch out for this because she pretty much looks like the prototypical Aryan.

taylornazi

3. I saw this on Warming Glow and couldn’t stop laughing after the line of “Acid, Bitch,” I assume you’ll do the same.

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,