Bruno Mars – Grenade

Another thing that pisses me off about Bruno Mars is that he looks like a guy trying to look like a girl trying to look like a guy.  If you have trouble following that, he looks like Janelle Monáe trying to look even more like a guy.

Visual Aid:

Two of these are Janelle, two are Bruno.  Can you tell the difference, no one can.

Lastly, there can only be one mainstream gay Bruno, and that market is already full:

Bruno Trailer

Plot Summary:

Three teenagers are confined to an isolated country estate that could very well be on another planet. The trio spend their days listening to endless homemade tapes that teach them a whole new vocabulary. Any word that comes from beyond their family abode is instantly assigned a new meaning. Hence ‘the sea’ refers to a large armchair and ‘zombies’ are little yellow flowers. Having invented a brother whom they claim to have ostracized for his disobedience, the uber-controlling parents terrorize their offspring into submission. The father is the only family member who can leave the manicured lawns of their self-inflicted exile, earning their keep by managing a nearby factory, while the only outsider allowed on the premises is his colleague Christina, who is paid to relieve the son of his male urges. Tired of these dutiful acts of carnality, Christina enlists the elder daughter for some girl-on-girl action, carelessly disturbing the domestic balance. Soon enough, sex has spread throughout the household like fire. Next stop: rebellion.

Premiering almost five weeks ago, the show is somewhat of a brain child of Shaunie O’Neal, an executive producer and ex-wife of Shaquille O’Neal.  The magnitude of what this show has done for me is a bit overwhelming:

Cast Lineup:

Taking a play from my previous basketball post on an all-white basketball league, let’s take a look at how the woman of the show represent a starting lineup and sixth man.  The height and crazy to this lineup is off the charts:

Giving some more background to this couples, Matt Barnes and Gloria Govan are the only people that appear to have heads on their shoulders. They clearly had no idea what this show was getting themselves into, and it seems landing on his seventh team in a city near the rest of these girls was just bad luck.

So far in the episodes Eric and Jennifer Williams are still married; and with Barnes, Eric is the only other actual basketball player getting air time; but because of his past cheating I don’t expect Eric to be stealing scenes much longer.

Evelyn Lozada spends much of her camera time explaining how she is not a gold digger and is moving on after separating from Antoine Walker (who has made over $100 million but is now bankrupt and playing in Puerto Rico and paying her thousands a month in child support).

BREAKING NEWS: The shimmy shake is trying to make a comeback!

Royce Reed is only named on the show as an past Heat and Magic dancer.  You won’t hear her mention Dwight Howard’s name, she legally can’t as she is banned from “using or publishing (orally, in writing, or otherwise), directly, indirectly or by innuendo, [Dwight's] name, nicknames, image, brand photographs, and/or likeness.“

Shaunie O’Neal, who calls herself the ‘Queen Bee’ of the girls, was served this letter after the first episode; she hasn’t been a major character since that episode.  To add to the drama, Shaq is allegedly putting his dick in Gloria’s sister.

After landing the number one overall bust Michael Olowokondi, Suzie Ketcham is fittingly the bust of this group as well.  This pair has two kids together, I want photographic proof to see how close to an alien these creatures are.

Episodes:

1.  Meeting the girls and Royce drama at a Super Bowl party (see video below).

2.  Evelyn throws herself a 34th birthday party with what is left of Antoine Walker’s money.  Episode introduces the one and only Eric Williams.

3.  Evelyn and Jen get disgusted by the city of Orlando.  Groupie conflict begins.

4.  Eric Williams steals the episode, housing hunting with Jen.  Listen up VH1, you need to start a spin-off show, house shopping with athletes and their wives who are about to get divorced.  Also, fancy restaurant fighting.  Posting this episode while it is still available online…

5. Make sure to watch this Sunday at 10:00pm.  The show is filmed in Miami, so remember there is a 40% chance you will see a Bangbros casting taking place in the background.

Drama:

Either I have very bad skills at finding videos on youtube, or VH1 is very protective of their content.  I can’t find any good clips from the show, this is all I can leave you with:

Season preview:

Introducing Plastic Surgery:

Terrell Owens and Ludacris Super Bowl party video of Royce Reed:

And I couldn’t end this post without showing that, since the start of the show, Evelyn Lozada had some self portraits make their way online:

NSFW IMAGE

briefcase and brass knuckles -Next Thursday, Who Wants In? – Following a full-on comment assault of a college newpaper article (which included the definition of a rainbow kiss), this kid was able to pull it together for all the non-losers who don’t read pussy college newspapers and instead turn the CT for their news.

cracker with cheese – Jennifer Aniston – when he wasn’t busy stalking Miley’s little sister, he provided one of the best one-liners ever written on the internet.

Forever 21 – Proof of Undergraduate Thuggin’ – It’s no mystery that I still live like I was in college, but when I got this e-mail from our landlord following graduation, I had proof that I did it right as an undergrad. Also, this landlord dabbles in adjectives like Michael Lohan dabbles in cunt-punching, true innovators.

I brought the table – Somebody Beat Us To Starting a Non-Profit – His latest effort gave us a look into the athletic exploits of some twat from Jersey Shore, but it wasn’t Snooki so I didn’t give a shit. His very first post though was definitely his best work.

invincible period – Things to Jack Off To Series – Yes he is a fag who likes cats, but he did provide us with a series of posts that has us on the first page of google when you search “things to jack off to,” yeah buddy rollin’ like a big shot.

Lil’ Biznas Planz – We Be… Corporate Thuggin! – Although his “Fucking With Terrorists” was as innovative as it gets, I can’t overlook that he gave our site it’s own theme song. A theme song that included lyrics such as these …

We’ll try and fuck your girl, no maybe
we slamming other bitches boxes, daily
yo weekly, monthly and yearly
until  you dumb motherfuckers see clearly
that we’re down with the U S of A
All other countries are GAY

white-collar crime – Too Soon? , Exclusive Michael Jackson Autopsy Photo – He came on strong with two MJ related posts within hours of the King’s death, this provided readers early on with a glimpse of the essence behind white-collar crime. He will shit on your grave and make people laugh about it.

Get ready for 2010, the year Corporate Thuggin’ gets your girlfriend pregnant.

Google things to jack off to and you will find CT (thanks invincible period), but you will also find this kid.  And this kid has problems:

I wish I could find a way to post the news video from this link, but this is one of the funniest local news interviews I have ever seen:

http://cbs13.com/local/limewire.child.porn.2.1346842.html

Basic story summary: 20 year old Matt White goes on Limewire to download a Girls Gone Wild video, but he gets child porn, a year later the FBI finds it and now at 22 he could face going to jail for 20 years.

Note to self: Limewire can help you find child porn labeled other things.  And if you still use Limewire in 2009 you need to stop listening to music on your walkman and rewinding your VHS rentals before bringing them back to the video store.

But this video really helped clear things up for me; Adam is one of those people who makes everyone around him uncomfortable (aka a huge, flaming homo).  I think even Lady Gaga would ask what the fuck is kid doing: