Bruno Mars – Grenade

Another thing that pisses me off about Bruno Mars is that he looks like a guy trying to look like a girl trying to look like a guy.  If you have trouble following that, he looks like Janelle Monáe trying to look even more like a guy.

Visual Aid:

Two of these are Janelle, two are Bruno.  Can you tell the difference, no one can.

Lastly, there can only be one mainstream gay Bruno, and that market is already full:

Bruno Trailer

This story has been confirmed via Mr. Carter’s jail blog: http://weezythanxyou.com/, as well as through victim notification:

I have an important message from VINE, New York’s Automated Victim Notification Service.  Please listen carefully to this message, you may want to have a pen and paper handy.  After the message you will be asked to enter your four digit pin to prevent repeated calls to this telephone number.  You are registered with us to receive updates about an offender with us whose last name is Carter (C A R T E R), and whose first name is Dwayne.  The offender’s New York State Identification Number is 02616544L.  I’m calling to tell you there has been a change in this offenders custody status.  This offender is no longer in custody, as of November 4th, 2010.  If you have any concerns about your immediate safety, contact your local law enforcement agency, or if you have an emergency call 911.

What is with these rappers and auto-tune?

During:

After:

Story from TMZ

Premiering almost five weeks ago, the show is somewhat of a brain child of Shaunie O’Neal, an executive producer and ex-wife of Shaquille O’Neal.  The magnitude of what this show has done for me is a bit overwhelming:

Cast Lineup:

Taking a play from my previous basketball post on an all-white basketball league, let’s take a look at how the woman of the show represent a starting lineup and sixth man.  The height and crazy to this lineup is off the charts:

Giving some more background to this couples, Matt Barnes and Gloria Govan are the only people that appear to have heads on their shoulders. They clearly had no idea what this show was getting themselves into, and it seems landing on his seventh team in a city near the rest of these girls was just bad luck.

So far in the episodes Eric and Jennifer Williams are still married; and with Barnes, Eric is the only other actual basketball player getting air time; but because of his past cheating I don’t expect Eric to be stealing scenes much longer.

Evelyn Lozada spends much of her camera time explaining how she is not a gold digger and is moving on after separating from Antoine Walker (who has made over $100 million but is now bankrupt and playing in Puerto Rico and paying her thousands a month in child support).

BREAKING NEWS: The shimmy shake is trying to make a comeback!

Royce Reed is only named on the show as an past Heat and Magic dancer.  You won’t hear her mention Dwight Howard’s name, she legally can’t as she is banned from “using or publishing (orally, in writing, or otherwise), directly, indirectly or by innuendo, [Dwight's] name, nicknames, image, brand photographs, and/or likeness.“

Shaunie O’Neal, who calls herself the ‘Queen Bee’ of the girls, was served this letter after the first episode; she hasn’t been a major character since that episode.  To add to the drama, Shaq is allegedly putting his dick in Gloria’s sister.

After landing the number one overall bust Michael Olowokondi, Suzie Ketcham is fittingly the bust of this group as well.  This pair has two kids together, I want photographic proof to see how close to an alien these creatures are.

Episodes:

1.  Meeting the girls and Royce drama at a Super Bowl party (see video below).

2.  Evelyn throws herself a 34th birthday party with what is left of Antoine Walker’s money.  Episode introduces the one and only Eric Williams.

3.  Evelyn and Jen get disgusted by the city of Orlando.  Groupie conflict begins.

4.  Eric Williams steals the episode, housing hunting with Jen.  Listen up VH1, you need to start a spin-off show, house shopping with athletes and their wives who are about to get divorced.  Also, fancy restaurant fighting.  Posting this episode while it is still available online…

5. Make sure to watch this Sunday at 10:00pm.  The show is filmed in Miami, so remember there is a 40% chance you will see a Bangbros casting taking place in the background.

Drama:

Either I have very bad skills at finding videos on youtube, or VH1 is very protective of their content.  I can’t find any good clips from the show, this is all I can leave you with:

Season preview:

Introducing Plastic Surgery:

Terrell Owens and Ludacris Super Bowl party video of Royce Reed:

And I couldn’t end this post without showing that, since the start of the show, Evelyn Lozada had some self portraits make their way online:

NSFW IMAGE

American Patriots Daniel Galli, Austin Carvalho, Matt Dariano, Dominic Maciel and Clayton Howard were sent home from school on Cinco de Mayo for wearing American flag shirts and bandannas.  The students were told “they must turn their T-shirts inside-out or be sent home.”

If you have a problem with this please feel free to call the school at (408) 201-6100, or email Principal Nick Boden at Nick.Boden@mhu.k12.ca.us

And while your heart is being filled with anti-Mexican rage, and likely still hung over from Drinko de Mayo; it is time to answer the most important question this story raises:

To give more background, this guy Peter Silverman used to be the principle at my old elementary school (long after I attended), where my mother currently works.  She never liked him and would say he had asperger’s syndrome.  He left that job after allegedly having an affair with a teacher (who’s husband worked at the same school, and whom she had four kids with, they are now divorced).  Eventually he became principal at Waltham’s Plympton Elementary School.  On February 9th this year he “mysteriously stopped working as principal.”

The article is pretty entertaining, Silverman claims he was fired after quoting the John Lennon song “Woman is the Nigger of the World” to show his support for two teachers.  These are quotes by Silverman that made it into the article:

“I think it would have been better if I hadn’t said it. I used the wrong analogy – I use analogies all the time, with kids and adults. It’s the only way I’ve ever used the word ‘nigger.’”

“Some people said it would have been fine if I had said, ‘low man on the totem pole’ – yet to Native Americans, that would have been offensive. It’s part of our colloquial speak.”

So to make sure you understand this along with me, Silverman states he only uses the n-word in analogies, which he uses all the time, including with kids.  And offensive words (apparently the n-word) are apart of our colloquial speak.  He also repeated the word ‘nigger’ in the interview, and took a shot at Native Americans for no reason.   Well done sir, I think this makes you a Corporate Thuggin’ Honorary Member.

If there was one thing I could always say about Silverman, it is that he is photogenic:

Personally, I think the way Lewis is going at it (middle, white America), will just turn into a league filled with white guys who think they can play, like this:

If you are going to start this league you have to do it right and this is how:

1.  White guys in the U.S. are not at the level to were they can fill a league yet, we need to mix in an International conference.

2.  Don’t limit locations to just the South, by using current NBA markets you can tap into their niche fans.

3. Because no one will think these teams can be any good you need to have them end a season with a playoff to find a league champion, with the winner playing two exhibition games.  The first being against black guys who act white (team Urkels) and finally black guys who put fear in the eye of white people (team Black Power).

With these three rules you can organize the league, draft current NBA players, and create the following teams:

CONFERENCE AMERICA:

Boston White Hopes – guys who you want to succeed purely because they are white

Jose Jaun Barea – G
Chase Budinger – G
Brian Scalabrine – F
Kevin Love – F
David Lee – C
Brook Lopez – C

Indiana Minkus – guys who look like nerds that you could beat in your men’s league

Luke Ridnour – G
Coby Karl – G
Brian Cardinal – F
Steve Novak – F
Joel Przybilla –C
Jeff Foster – C

Phoenix Kappa Tappa Kega – guys who you would consider your best frat bro

Kirk Hinrich – G
Kyle Korver – G
Jason Kapono – F
Wally Szczerbiak – F
Troy Murphy – F
Luke Walton – F

Charlotte Neverlands – guys who wish they were still getting after it in the freshmen dorms

Travis Diener – G
J.J. Redick – G
Adam Morrison – F
Mike Dunleavy – F
Tyler Hansbrough – F
Steve Blake – G

Orlando Slim Shadys – guys who live outside their skin color

Mike Bibby – G
Jason Williams – G
Robert Swift – F
Chris Anderson – F
Brad Miller – C
Scot Pollard – C

Milwaukee Beast Ice – guys who might have been born through the breeding of cousins

Mike Miller – G
Chris Quinn – G
B.J. Mullens – F
Nick Collison – F
Chris Kaman – C
Joe Alexander – F

CONFERENCE WORLD:

Dallas Dragos – guys who would have played international villains in ’80s movies

Steve Nash – G
Marco Belinelli – G (included solely because he looks like Rocky Balboa)
Andrei Kirilenko – F
Dirk Nowitzki – F
Andris Biedrins – C
Jonas Jerebko – F

Portland Sabonis – guys who exude the legendary essence that is Arvydas Sabonis

Goran Dragic – G
Beno Udrih – G
Sasha Pavlovic – F
Oleksiy Pecherov – F
Zydrunas Ilgauskas – C
Darko Milicic – C

Toronto Grease – guys who look like creeps, but could be slammin’ your girl as we speak

Tony Parker – G
Sasha Vujacic – G
Pau Gasol – F
Luis Scola – F
Marc Gasol – C
Nenad Krstic – C

New York Carbombs mixture of players with Serbian, Turkish, Iranian and Greek backgrounds; let the fun begin

Marko Jaric – G
Peja Stojakovic – G
Hedo Turkoglu – F
Mehmet Okur – F
Hamed Haddadi – C
Kasta Koufos – C

Exhibition Teams:

San Antonio Urkels – guys that are black but who act white

Derek Fisher – G
Shane Battier – G
Grant Hill – F
Antawn Jamison – F
Tim Duncan – C
Chris Duhon – G

Denver Black Power – guys that are black and put fear in your eyes

Allen Iverson – G
Delonte West – G
Ron Artest – F
Kenyon Martin – F
Rasheed Wallace – C
DeShawn Stevenson – G

The last time I remember seeing Joaquin he looked like this: