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So here’s the deal: there are two centerfolds in the June issue. The June Playmate-of-the-Month is not in 3-D, but she’s a 34D, and that’s just fine with me. I looked at her for a good 5 minutes with my 3-D glasses on, glancing from her rack to her snatch and then back to rack, before I realized that she was not popping off the page; regardless, it was time well spent. She also happens to have a bowl of Froot Loops between her legs, so she gets an extra 5 points in my book (she would have gotten 10 for Cap’n Crunch).

The Playmate of the Year is the second centerfold in the magazine and after coming across her foldout I realized that she was obviously the one in 3-D; thus, I felt like a dumbass. You get a little set of those red and blue 3-D glasses and some ear hinges so they can stay on hands-free. Just slap those bad boys on and the PotY pops out in all her glory. There’s some other pretty cool stuff in there too, but I finished before I could get to it. Actually, just a few pages back is an ad for Liberator Bedroom Adventure Gear – it’s not exactly rock climbing, but they have just as many harnesses.

So there you have it. The most comprehensive analysis of the first-ever 3-D centerfold ever typed with one hand.

Premiering almost five weeks ago, the show is somewhat of a brain child of Shaunie O’Neal, an executive producer and ex-wife of Shaquille O’Neal.  The magnitude of what this show has done for me is a bit overwhelming:

Cast Lineup:

Taking a play from my previous basketball post on an all-white basketball league, let’s take a look at how the woman of the show represent a starting lineup and sixth man.  The height and crazy to this lineup is off the charts:

Giving some more background to this couples, Matt Barnes and Gloria Govan are the only people that appear to have heads on their shoulders. They clearly had no idea what this show was getting themselves into, and it seems landing on his seventh team in a city near the rest of these girls was just bad luck.

So far in the episodes Eric and Jennifer Williams are still married; and with Barnes, Eric is the only other actual basketball player getting air time; but because of his past cheating I don’t expect Eric to be stealing scenes much longer.

Evelyn Lozada spends much of her camera time explaining how she is not a gold digger and is moving on after separating from Antoine Walker (who has made over $100 million but is now bankrupt and playing in Puerto Rico and paying her thousands a month in child support).

BREAKING NEWS: The shimmy shake is trying to make a comeback!

Royce Reed is only named on the show as an past Heat and Magic dancer.  You won’t hear her mention Dwight Howard’s name, she legally can’t as she is banned from “using or publishing (orally, in writing, or otherwise), directly, indirectly or by innuendo, [Dwight's] name, nicknames, image, brand photographs, and/or likeness.“

Shaunie O’Neal, who calls herself the ‘Queen Bee’ of the girls, was served this letter after the first episode; she hasn’t been a major character since that episode.  To add to the drama, Shaq is allegedly putting his dick in Gloria’s sister.

After landing the number one overall bust Michael Olowokondi, Suzie Ketcham is fittingly the bust of this group as well.  This pair has two kids together, I want photographic proof to see how close to an alien these creatures are.

Episodes:

1.  Meeting the girls and Royce drama at a Super Bowl party (see video below).

2.  Evelyn throws herself a 34th birthday party with what is left of Antoine Walker’s money.  Episode introduces the one and only Eric Williams.

3.  Evelyn and Jen get disgusted by the city of Orlando.  Groupie conflict begins.

4.  Eric Williams steals the episode, housing hunting with Jen.  Listen up VH1, you need to start a spin-off show, house shopping with athletes and their wives who are about to get divorced.  Also, fancy restaurant fighting.  Posting this episode while it is still available online…

5. Make sure to watch this Sunday at 10:00pm.  The show is filmed in Miami, so remember there is a 40% chance you will see a Bangbros casting taking place in the background.

Drama:

Either I have very bad skills at finding videos on youtube, or VH1 is very protective of their content.  I can’t find any good clips from the show, this is all I can leave you with:

Season preview:

Introducing Plastic Surgery:

Terrell Owens and Ludacris Super Bowl party video of Royce Reed:

And I couldn’t end this post without showing that, since the start of the show, Evelyn Lozada had some self portraits make their way online:

NSFW IMAGE

American Patriots Daniel Galli, Austin Carvalho, Matt Dariano, Dominic Maciel and Clayton Howard were sent home from school on Cinco de Mayo for wearing American flag shirts and bandannas.  The students were told “they must turn their T-shirts inside-out or be sent home.”

If you have a problem with this please feel free to call the school at (408) 201-6100, or email Principal Nick Boden at Nick.Boden@mhu.k12.ca.us

And while your heart is being filled with anti-Mexican rage, and likely still hung over from Drinko de Mayo; it is time to answer the most important question this story raises: