The real story in boxing is that Lenny Dykstra aka Nails is set to take on none other than the human pin cushion Jose Canseco. Canseco is known for being a snitch and Nails is known for playing balls out as well as going bankrupt. Both guys have nothing to lose, meaning I expect a lot of blood. My money’s on nails.

Lisa Glide, 35, a drama teacher at Old Bridge High School in the dirty Jers, pled guilty in 2009 to having sex with one of her 17-year old students. Her defense? “He pursued.” Shit, now I find out 8 years out high school that thats all it takes, FML.

Sheral Smith

This shit is ridiculous. Sheral Smith, 37, was sentenced to 7 years after having sex with a 14-year old student of the private high school at which she taught. So what’s crazy about that? First, that Smith wasn’t even one of the kid’s teachers — so apparently she just picked some random ass 14-year old off the recess field. What is even more crazy is her ballsyness in fucking him AT HIS HOUSE:

“We were able to determine at least four different times she had sexual intercourse with the child – three at her residence, one of those occurring at the victim’s residence,” Madison-Rankin District Attorney Michael Guest

Amber Jennings

In 2004, This 30-year old Massachusetts high school teacher thought it would be a good idea to send nekkid pics of herself to one of her 16-year old students under the screen name Redsox6606whore. What I don’t get is why she made a fake screen name to send the pics. Like, once her student got them, clearly she could be identified — so why not Amber.Jennings or whatever. Or maybe her main screen name was Redsox6606whore. I wouldn’t be that surprised about that.

Mary Kay Letourneau

Just simply sleeping with any female teacher doesn’t cut it these days fellas. In fact, you should keep roughly the same standards for looks as you would with people your own age. In 1997, Mary Kay Letourneau was arrested for having sex with 12 year old Vili Fualaau when he was in… wait for it… second grade.

Because he was probably still making machine gun sounds when he played with his GI Joes and eating lunchables, I’m gonna give this guy a pass for his quality control failure. However, his decision to marry her after she was released from her 7 1/2 year sentence still kind of boggles my mind.

Deborah Lafave

Jim: Hey, Bill, wanna go to the store? I just got my allowance and need to buy some stuff.
Bill: Sorry man, I’m only 15 and can’t drive without an adult. Got any ideas?

Jim: Hmm, maybe I can ask my 8th grade teacher
Bill: Wait, what? Ask your teacher to ride along??

Jim: Yeah, she’s pretty cool
Bill: Umm…

Jim: Yeah, she’ll come, but I have to sit in the back apparently…
Bill: Okay, this is pretty weird, but whatever I’ll grab the car

10 minutes later

Bill: Hey, what store do you want to go to?
Bill: … Jim
Bill: … Jim?
Deborah: Ohh do it there little Jimmy!

This was a little snippet from the independent amateur porn script I’m writing about the Deborah Lefave incident, called “Hot For Teacher 2.0: D in the B” and this is kind of how I envision the 14-year old unnamed victim pimp slaying his 23-year old newly-wed teacher Deborah Lefave in the backseat of a car while his 15-year old cousin drove.

I can’t tell you the shit I would do to have taken this kids place. This man (and, by the way, he became a man as soon as this went down, regardless of the fact that he was 14), got retardedly lucky. On one hand, he got to bang one of the hottest teachers I’ve seen in a while (hands down one of the hottest ones who wasn’t prude and was DTF). No doubt this came with crazy praise and a line of girls his age trying to go solo on the mic. And on the other, you know he got all sorts of breaks because of it. Tired of 4th period math class? Just say I’m traumatized and having relapses, boom, home in time to JO wit the computer in the living room before the parents come home.

Honestly, I have like 5 or 6 more of these that I planned on doing but Ima go fap to these Deborah Lafave pictures. I’ll post the rest as a follow up sometime later I guess.

First up is her gallery of “Your Best Halloween Costumes.” Everything starts out all cute (Wall-E and a Whale), creative (Chrysler Building and a Fighter Pilot, although that one could be a little terroristy), and generally accurate (fat girl dressed like a Vending Machine). But then things take a turn for the worse when she tries to incorporate some diversity into the album.

How do you dress the only black girls in your album? Like Mrs. Butterworth’s and a Waffle, of course. And how do you dress the Asian child? Not as sushi, but as a car – now that’s just ironic.

Her next album takes it up a notch: Baby Costumes. Also known as: How to Make Your Baby Look Like A Douchbag While They’re Too Young To Do Anything About It. The first few are cute: Spring Chicken, Little Lambs, Down Syndrome Owl, but what the fuck is going on in these pictures? Mincemeat pie is disgusting, and there’s no way I would eat that turkey – too much fat.

To be fair, Martha isn’t entirely racist, and she does try to incorporate other cultures into her lists. For example, her Thanksgiving Turkey Recipes list has a lot of standard turkey fare (Bacon-Roasted Turkey? Don’t mind if I do), but she was clearly thinking of the African American community with her Deep Fried Turkey. Is that a slave hand holding the pot? I think so… And why is there a rainbow cake mixed in with her St. Patrick’s Day recipes? Because fairies and leprechauns come from the same genus. Now you know.

Let’s be serious. If I was in the mood for some deep fried turkey, I’d do what the rest of the Dorchester community does and go to The Hen House for some chicken and waffles.

Oh, if you’re still wondering why I think Martha Stewart is a GILF, there’s this:

These minority students from Ohio University are standing up to Halloween costumes that are culturally offensive. There’s an Asian girl protesting Geishas, a Native American protesting bad grammar, a black girl protesting interracial sex, and that kid from Slumdog Millionaire protesting his father. I can’t blame them, if people showed up to my Halloween party wearing shitty costumes, I’d tell them to leave too. Except the Asian, she could stay.

Getting back to my point, I think these kids are really missing the bigger issue. There are a lot of costumes popping up these days that try to replicate some pretty disgusting stuff. No one wants to wake up next to someone dressed like a bloody tampon – that just raises the question: “was it bloody when we met?” And if you show up dressed like a dildo, you’re pretty much guaranteeing yourself a right-handed nightcap. This has to stop. If it were up to me, I’d have Jamal and his friends out there raising awareness about the real issues, because these costumes are not okay:

Bruno Mars – Grenade

Another thing that pisses me off about Bruno Mars is that he looks like a guy trying to look like a girl trying to look like a guy.  If you have trouble following that, he looks like Janelle Monáe trying to look even more like a guy.

Visual Aid:

Two of these are Janelle, two are Bruno.  Can you tell the difference, no one can.

Lastly, there can only be one mainstream gay Bruno, and that market is already full:

Bruno Trailer

(watch on youtube)

Thankfully Kanye West was there to add the lyrics (1m : 58s):

“I met this MILF at the all-star getting action

A cougar with more rings than Phil Jackson

Told her beauty is why God invented eyeballs

And her booty is why God invented my balls”