Lisa Glide, 35, a drama teacher at Old Bridge High School in the dirty Jers, pled guilty in 2009 to having sex with one of her 17-year old students. Her defense? “He pursued.” Shit, now I find out 8 years out high school that thats all it takes, FML.

Sheral Smith

This shit is ridiculous. Sheral Smith, 37, was sentenced to 7 years after having sex with a 14-year old student of the private high school at which she taught. So what’s crazy about that? First, that Smith wasn’t even one of the kid’s teachers — so apparently she just picked some random ass 14-year old off the recess field. What is even more crazy is her ballsyness in fucking him AT HIS HOUSE:

“We were able to determine at least four different times she had sexual intercourse with the child – three at her residence, one of those occurring at the victim’s residence,” Madison-Rankin District Attorney Michael Guest

Amber Jennings

In 2004, This 30-year old Massachusetts high school teacher thought it would be a good idea to send nekkid pics of herself to one of her 16-year old students under the screen name Redsox6606whore. What I don’t get is why she made a fake screen name to send the pics. Like, once her student got them, clearly she could be identified — so why not Amber.Jennings or whatever. Or maybe her main screen name was Redsox6606whore. I wouldn’t be that surprised about that.

Mary Kay Letourneau

Just simply sleeping with any female teacher doesn’t cut it these days fellas. In fact, you should keep roughly the same standards for looks as you would with people your own age. In 1997, Mary Kay Letourneau was arrested for having sex with 12 year old Vili Fualaau when he was in… wait for it… second grade.

Because he was probably still making machine gun sounds when he played with his GI Joes and eating lunchables, I’m gonna give this guy a pass for his quality control failure. However, his decision to marry her after she was released from her 7 1/2 year sentence still kind of boggles my mind.

Deborah Lafave

Jim: Hey, Bill, wanna go to the store? I just got my allowance and need to buy some stuff.
Bill: Sorry man, I’m only 15 and can’t drive without an adult. Got any ideas?

Jim: Hmm, maybe I can ask my 8th grade teacher
Bill: Wait, what? Ask your teacher to ride along??

Jim: Yeah, she’s pretty cool
Bill: Umm…

Jim: Yeah, she’ll come, but I have to sit in the back apparently…
Bill: Okay, this is pretty weird, but whatever I’ll grab the car

10 minutes later

Bill: Hey, what store do you want to go to?
Bill: … Jim
Bill: … Jim?
Deborah: Ohh do it there little Jimmy!

This was a little snippet from the independent amateur porn script I’m writing about the Deborah Lefave incident, called “Hot For Teacher 2.0: D in the B” and this is kind of how I envision the 14-year old unnamed victim pimp slaying his 23-year old newly-wed teacher Deborah Lefave in the backseat of a car while his 15-year old cousin drove.

I can’t tell you the shit I would do to have taken this kids place. This man (and, by the way, he became a man as soon as this went down, regardless of the fact that he was 14), got retardedly lucky. On one hand, he got to bang one of the hottest teachers I’ve seen in a while (hands down one of the hottest ones who wasn’t prude and was DTF). No doubt this came with crazy praise and a line of girls his age trying to go solo on the mic. And on the other, you know he got all sorts of breaks because of it. Tired of 4th period math class? Just say I’m traumatized and having relapses, boom, home in time to JO wit the computer in the living room before the parents come home.

Honestly, I have like 5 or 6 more of these that I planned on doing but Ima go fap to these Deborah Lafave pictures. I’ll post the rest as a follow up sometime later I guess.

If there are two things I love in this world, its Van Halen and America. This got me thinking…why not combine both into one amazing song thats sure to be blasted at 4th of July Cookouts and Freedom Marches all across this great nation. Well, with some editing help from White Collar Crime, that’s exactly what I did. So grab your gun, a cold Pabst, and strap yourself in, because are about to get fired the fuck up.

See Part One

American Patriots Daniel Galli, Austin Carvalho, Matt Dariano, Dominic Maciel and Clayton Howard were sent home from school on Cinco de Mayo for wearing American flag shirts and bandannas.  The students were told “they must turn their T-shirts inside-out or be sent home.”

If you have a problem with this please feel free to call the school at (408) 201-6100, or email Principal Nick Boden at Nick.Boden@mhu.k12.ca.us

And while your heart is being filled with anti-Mexican rage, and likely still hung over from Drinko de Mayo; it is time to answer the most important question this story raises:

My thoughts after watching it:

1. Prison is cool, but where else can I get cigarette glasses?

2. How bad does Madonna wish thongs were popular in the ’80s?  Or, putting cans in your hair for curlers?

3. How many product placements / pop culture references could you name?

4. Shortest 10 minutes of my life

5. I love America too!

Awesome American things Thankgiving offers:

- Waking up hungover
- Watching parades
- Eating food that makes you sleepy
- High School and NFL football
- Afternoon naps
- Being thankful we won the war against the Indians
- Celebrating our history:

The following stain was acquired between the hours of 10 PM Friday and 11 AM Saturday. I’ll give you a hint, we know fo’ sho’ that it isnt any of the following:

• Milk
• Semen
• A Seaman’s Milk

Happy Guessing!

Special thanks to White Collar Crime for instigation and inspiration.

Coming soon…The second Lil’ Biznas Planz original jam. It will make “Sexual Barry” look like a Nursery Rhyme.