Corporate Thuggin' » she could get it

Corporate Sluttin’ Gets Legit

white-collar crime — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 00:21:01 +0000

Movie trailers can make or break a major motion picture’s reputation and dictate it’s subsequent level of success at the box office. A shitty trailer may often leave you wishing you’d had a yeast infection in your eyes rather than ever witnessing said theatrical abortion. At the same time, well produced red band trailers are known to get us hard and even produce a little pre. When a trailer can stand on its own and provoke emotion, its a beautiful thing. Some trailers have made me giddy with laughter, for example, Super Bad. Others have provoked me to commit genocide on a small village with a chain gun, for example, trailers for Rambo and Sex in the City (the one where they go to India and try to give Ghandi a handjob or some shit). But when is the last time a trailer made you want to jack your dick/jiggle your clit? I present you with Digital Playground’s Body Heat. This porn trailer isn’t just some gimmick horse shit either. Explosions? Check. ~~Hot dudes with big hogs~~ …I mean… Sluts? Check. Asain firefighters with huge tits? Ch-fucking-eck. While trailers for porn movies are undoubtedly awesome, they will inevitably lead to less movie sales because if you’re not a pussy you’ll be able to glaze knuckle before the trailer is even over.

Real Talk: Teacher Sex “Scandals”

briefcase and brass knuckles — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 18:17:44 +0000

Lisa Glide

Lisa Glide, 35, a drama teacher at Old Bridge High School in the dirty Jers, pled guilty in 2009 to having sex with one of her 17-year old students. Her defense? “He pursued.” Shit, now I find out 8 years out high school that thats all it takes, FML.

Sheral Smith

This shit is ridiculous. Sheral Smith, 37, was sentenced to 7 years after having sex with a 14-year old student of the private high school at which she taught. So what’s crazy about that? First, that Smith wasn’t even one of the kid’s teachers — so apparently she just picked some random ass 14-year old off the recess field. What is even more crazy is her ballsyness in fucking him AT HIS HOUSE:

“We were able to determine at least four different times she had sexual intercourse with the child – three at her residence, one of those occurring at the victim’s residence,” Madison-Rankin District Attorney Michael Guest

Amber Jennings

In 2004, This 30-year old Massachusetts high school teacher thought it would be a good idea to send nekkid pics of herself to one of her 16-year old students under the screen name Redsox6606whore. What I don’t get is why she made a fake screen name to send the pics. Like, once her student got them, clearly she could be identified — so why not Amber.Jennings or whatever. Or maybe her main screen name was Redsox6606whore. I wouldn’t be that surprised about that.

Mary Kay Letourneau

Just simply sleeping with any female teacher doesn’t cut it these days fellas. In fact, you should keep roughly the same standards for looks as you would with people your own age. In 1997, Mary Kay Letourneau was arrested for having sex with 12 year old Vili Fualaau when he was in… wait for it… second grade.

Because he was probably still making machine gun sounds when he played with his GI Joes and eating lunchables, I’m gonna give this guy a pass for his quality control failure. However, his decision to marry her after she was released from her 7 1/2 year sentence still kind of boggles my mind.

Deborah Lafave

Jim: Hey, Bill, wanna go to the store? I just got my allowance and need to buy some stuff.
Bill: Sorry man, I’m only 15 and can’t drive without an adult. Got any ideas?

Jim: Hmm, maybe I can ask my 8th grade teacher
Bill: Wait, what? Ask your teacher to ride along??

Jim: Yeah, she’s pretty cool
Bill: Umm…

Jim: Yeah, she’ll come, but I have to sit in the back apparently…
Bill: Okay, this is pretty weird, but whatever I’ll grab the car

10 minutes later

Bill: Hey, what store do you want to go to?
Bill: … Jim
Bill: … Jim?
Deborah: Ohh do it there little Jimmy!

This was a little snippet from the independent amateur porn script I’m writing about the Deborah Lefave incident, called “Hot For Teacher 2.0: D in the B” and this is kind of how I envision the 14-year old unnamed ~~victim~~ pimp slaying his 23-year old newly-wed teacher Deborah Lefave in the backseat of a car while his 15-year old cousin drove.

I can’t tell you the shit I would do to have taken this kids place. This man (and, by the way, he became a man as soon as this went down, regardless of the fact that he was 14), got retardedly lucky. On one hand, he got to bang one of the hottest teachers I’ve seen in a while (hands down one of the hottest ones who wasn’t prude and was DTF). No doubt this came with crazy praise and a line of girls his age trying to go solo on the mic. And on the other, you know he got all sorts of breaks because of it. Tired of 4th period math class? Just say I’m traumatized and having relapses, boom, home in time to JO wit the computer in the living room before the parents come home.

Honestly, I have like 5 or 6 more of these that I planned on doing but Ima go fap to these Deborah Lafave pictures. I’ll post the rest as a follow up sometime later I guess.

Linday’s Gettin’ After – Showing Twat Tastefully

forever 21 — Wed, 26 Oct 2011 17:59:04 +0000

Despite my use of Courtney Stodden-esque alliteration, I hope that you did not overlook the fact that LiLo’s Playboy spread will be more literal that figurative. Mind you, we have seen this before, but never without the hated upskirt angle. I thought that this Playboy spread would just feature some boob action, but couchie lips takes it to a whole new level and lets us further add to CT’s already outstanding tag. And if you are part of the population that says, “Lindsay isn’t hot anymore.” I reply with, “she once looked like picture in this post,” so fuck you, I’ll still jack off to her. So, bide your time with the constant bra-less paparazzi photos while you glaze your collective knuckle, #lohanlabias will soon make their mark. By the way, get that hash tag going, it’s the best one I’ve seen since up with since #lovetocum.

Songs you can jack off to

invincible period — Sat, 15 May 2010 17:02:33 +0000

I don’t know about you, but sometimes when I try to jack off to music videos I have to mute them just to finish. The worst part is when they try to work in a story line and you have that break in the song that totally kills the buzz, kind of like that part in that soft core porn video I watched where they put their clothes back on to solve the mystery. Thank god for Tila Tequila. Now here’s a song you can jack off to. I tried to count how many times she said “wet” and “cum” but I got sidetracked at that part where she says she wants to feel your explosion inside her.

UPDATE: I felt like lyrics were necessary, so I decided to transcribe them:

I spread my legs wide open for ya baby
So be a man and pump it harder inside me
I’m naked here, layin, waitin for ya baby, alone, alone, alone
I’m comin closer getting wetter for ya baby
You got me feelin, you got me dreamin, wiling out
No need to worry, wanna feel your explosion inside me

Get me off (Just get off)

Now let me ride ya like a rodeo baby,
I’ll twirl around a couple times until I’m there
I’ll do it to ya all night till I make you cum, cum, cum
You need to run your fingers through my messy hair
You need to pull it back tight, baby touch me there
If you want to hear me screamin out loud

Get me off (Just get me off)

Let me love you right now
Fall before my feet
Let me love you right now
Every single beat
Let me love you right now
Can’t you feel the heat
Let me love you right now

Get me off (Just get me off) (x a lot)
Nasty girl (x a lot)
Get me off (Just get me off) (x a lot)

Slut Bunny

invincible period — Fri, 09 Apr 2010 04:30:33 +0000

I have a new favorite song. It’s not just because the lyrics are incredible and the video reminds of that scene in Showgirls when Jessie Spano is giving her first lapdance (which is pretty much foreplay to her sex scene in the pool), but mainly because it’s by the quiet girl from the House Bunny. As we all remember, Lilly was the sister that never talked and usually hid behind things, until Shelley came along and made her into a hottie (Exhibit A). Well, looks like that rubbed off, because now she’s a total slut and I’m excited. Speaking of rubbing one off…

Are you kidding me?

briefcase and brass knuckles — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 05:15:29 +0000

I defy anyone who reads this to disagree with the following statement:

She could get it.

I’d NC her S

briefcase and brass knuckles — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 03:59:53 +0000

After watching the NCIS marathon over break, I’ve been thinking about enlisting in the Navy, then committing a crime just to get arrested.

The Shark

briefcase and brass knuckles — Sat, 09 Jan 2010 00:25:23 +0000

On my flight back from hanging out with Emma Watson in London, I was watching the random TV episodes that were available on the seatback TV and started watching a show called The Shark. Pretty decent show but what made me occupy the plane’s bathroom for a hot minute rubbing one out wasn’t the plot line, but one of the main character’s daughter’s friends.

Of course, theres a clip of the episode on YouTube — the blonde was the one I added to the montage:

All I’m sayin is that if I were that dude, I woulda held out for more than 400 dollars — amirite?

Lindsay Lohan: Goldilocks and the Three Breast Shots

invincible period — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 00:27:18 +0000

Apparently Lindsay Lohan finally stopped eating box and started eating something that supports the natural development of her breasts. To demonstrate, she posed for some terrible magazine that I’ve never heard of, and shows some T&A in various stages of undress that I will describe to you using a very delicately-crafted allusion to Goldilocks and the Three Bears:

This porn is too soft-core:

This porn is too hard-core:

This porn is just right:

Oh, BTW this is NSFW, unless you work in a brothel, like Cracker with Cheese.

Movies They Should Be Making, Part 1

invincible period — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 03:55:13 +0000

If I had things my way, they would be filming the sequel to The House Bunny as we speak. It would have to be a horror movie, because girls are always way sluttier in horror movies. Girls in horror movies also usually die, so there’s none of that awkward morning after stuff. This is how it would break down:

Title: The Last House Bunny On The Left

Plot: The girls move into a new house (hint: it’s the last one on the left of the street) with their new pledges. Someone starts killing all the ugly girls, so Shelly decides to give all the girls makeovers because the pretty girls don’t die. There’s a movie montage where all the girls throw around clothes and then suddenly all the girls get hot. The hot girls have pillow fights (like in that Girlicious video) and then they decide to have another huge party to show the rest of the campus how hot they are, but only after they make another sexy calendar. At the party some more girls start dying, but only the one who aren’t slutty. Then some more things happen just like in that other movie that I like, and then Charlie’s Angels show up and catch the killer.

Surprise Twist Ending: All I can tell you is it involves cats…

Moral of the Story: If you don’t want to die in college, you need to be hot and slutty, or one of Charlie’s Angels.

Hopefully Anna Farris reads this. Someone tweet her.